I've been reading Eggers again. There is an alarming familiarity with his/my thought patterns/paths. His dialogue about death is particularly difficult, in a knowing way. Speaking about the pained death of his father, was an acute reminder of my Pa's death. The respirators, the sounds, the smells. He speaks volumes, knowing, feeling all the sensations of the moment.

The feeling of helplessness, he conveys that so well. And the guilt. It bothers me that someone else can describe it all so accurately.

The knowledge that Jack is trapped. The ever-present feeling that Jack will be around the next corner, behind the next door. Again the guilt. Oh what should/would/could I have done differently? I know Jack was multiples better then Hand and Will and others put together. Knowing his absence, of wit and wisdom makes the world, and mine, so inferior. Pick any of us, the loss would be far less.

The guilt and the loss, were/are another lesson I was slow to learn. Maybe childhood pets would have helped. Sour Bob talks of the balance between being here or not. I would phrase it; When the net benefit outweighs the net loss.